Screenwriting – Teen Experimentation
The setting
Boy and girl set up a study meeting at her place. He’s into her, she’s just bored shitless. Parents gone, hormones raging, recipe for trouble (or fun).
-o-
INT. CLAUDIA’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room is Eclipseland. Posters of Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson and assorted vampires and werewolves dot the walls. Furniture and decoration is too pink, too girlie. Clashes with the look of CLAUDIA, 17, who wears a white blouse dangerously unbuttoned and a minuscule checkered piece of cloth passing off as a skirt. She lies facedown on the carpet, an ignored textbook next to her head. Her bare legs crisscross the air idly, while her right hand toys with a curl of blond hair.
CASSIDY, 17 too, lies just across her. A bit on the dorky side, with big glasses and a mat of unruly hair, he is pleasing to the eye nonetheless. And although he might look smart, it’s obvious who would win in a match of teen cunning and guile. He doesn’t have a clue. She certainly does.
Contrary to Claudia, Cass is deep in thought, his face buried in the same book that the girl is neglecting.
CASS
Okay, got it. Dry ice is the perfect instance of sublimation.
As soon as you get it out of the container, it turns to gas without going
through the liquid stage. I’m sure Mr. Merritt can tell us where to get the stuff.
Cass looks up at Claudia.
CASS
Did you find any other example?
Claudia looks at the frilly bed sheet, then at the lacquered pink bureau and matching dresser.
CLAUDIA
I have to get rid of this shit.
Cass does not quite get her meaning. Shakes his head.
CASS
Yeah, whatever. Look, we are way behind with the project.
If you don’t feel up to it, I can handle it on my own.
Claudia looks at him, frowning.
CASS
Don’t worry, I’ll fill you in on what you have to say
during the presentation.
Claudia gives him a bewitching smile. She rolls over, facing the ceiling, letting her hair spill around her head. Some body parts are now clearly silhouetted.
CLAUDIA
You’re too sweet.
Cass blushes and gives her a look over once, then promptly lowers his gaze.
Claudia sighs. She stands up briskly and heads to the dresser. She looks at her reflection on the mirror, straightens her skirt and tugs at the edge of her blouse, revealing even further her considerable cleavage. She tilts her head slightly, pondering. Cass stands up too and starts collecting his books.
CASS (a bit nervous)
Well, lemme just pick this up and I’ll get going. Uhm..
Are you hungry? We could raid your fridge and then…
Claudia turns on her heels, rests her hands and hips on the dresser behind her. Cass stops mid-sentence and stares. Beat.
CLAUDIA
Have you ever seen boobs Cass?
Cass, shocked, drops one of the books. He bends over to pick it up.
CASS (feigns outrage)
Boo-boo-boobs? Of course I’ve seen boobs! Plenty of ‘em.
CLUADIA (amused)
Right. I mean real, live tits. Like in a girl standing in front of you.
Have you?
She unbuttons her blouse even further. A white bra is visible now, tight against her sizable breasts. Cass is speechless.
CLAUDIA
Have you touched them? Felt their soft, squishy texture on your hands?
Cass stands frozen in his place. Claudia takes a step forward, blouse now completely open.
CLAUDIA
Hmm, thought so.
Claudia looks at her bosom. Her right hand caresses the exposed skin.
CLAUDIA
Maybe we can do something about it before
raiding the fridge and looking for that dry ice of yours.
CASS (still stuttering)
So-so you were paying attention after all?
Cass is clearly moving into uncharted territory. A boner is evidently outlined in his jeans, but he seems oblivious to it. Claudia is not. She looks at it and smirks.
CLAUDIA (coyly)
I always pay attention, Cass.
-o-
That’s about it. Comments and critiques are quite welcome.
Well, I thought it was racy, for sure – would have liked a bit more seductive nature brought through Claudia, she was pretty in your face about it, like alot of your descriptions though and think the idea for snippets is really interesting, creative – I would read more of these. And thought Cass, was a little too dense, would have wanted intrigue created around his noticing but being completely dumb founded about it… so for what it’s worth, that’s my thought…:)
Funny that you mention it, seduction was never really a part of the ploy. She is outright playing with him, unabashedly. She’s been there, done that, he hasn’t. On one hand, this is the danger of working with bits and pieces, you lose context that would otherwise flesh out the characters. Right now they come off as sort of cliched, to put it simply. On the other, it lets me focus on certain aspects, like the descriptions and the dialogue. I found it really interesting working this way, looking forward to bringing more themes to the discussion table.
Thanks!
i saved the linked you u put up on #usguys last week—just made it in to look at this.
nice scene. its just the tiniest of snippets though, right—so what comes next? tasteful cut to next scene, action implied? you said the full script’s not done, but do you envision this being an early scene, before inciting incident? probably best, right…
to offer critique of writing—its good, but can be tighter, more so in the scene descriptions than in dialogue, but i’d put some cuts into both:
The room, tweeny-bopper heaven. Eclipseland. Assorted vampires and werewolves poster the walls. Furniture, decor–pink, girlie. Clashes with CLAUDIA, 17, who wears am unbuttoned white blouse and a checkered piece a skirt. She lies facedown on the carpet, abandoned textbook beside her head. Bare legs crisscross the air idly. Her right hand toys with curls of blond hair.
CASSIDY, 17, lies just across her. Dorky. Glasses. Unkempt hair. Handsome. Book smart, not love bright. Buried in textbook, deep in thought. Complete contrast of Claudia.
the way i’d cut up the dialogue:
CLAUDIA
You ever seen boobs Cass?
Cass drops one of the books. Bending to pick it up.
CASS (feigns outrage)
Boobs? I’ve seen boobs! Plenty!
CLAUDIA (amused)
Real, live tits? Like now. Girl standing in front of you.
Plenty?
2 cents doesn’t go far these days. write me later.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your comments. Mainly because, as it often happens with screenwriting advice, people will tell you to change things to match their writing style. And this is not the case; your suggestions make absolute sense, sp. in scene descriptions like you said. Will exercise that in the next entry.
And no, as I said, nothing comes before, nothing follows after. They are just isolated pieces of writing for fun and training.
Again, thank you.